This really pisses me off..
all the people who are ENCOURAGING those of us who should go and watch the movie or read the book because you can’t judge a book by its cover.. and you can’t understand it until you watch it…



Well my first time was I didn’t know I was allowed to say NO.

I had someone who convinced me something that would be good for me turned up bad for me when I was 8 years old.


This book is written by a manipulator. YOU of those who say that I should read it.. YOU are telling me it is ok for me and you are acting JUST the same as a person who wants to rape an 8 YEAR old boy or girl.

You are trying to convince me that I can either be part in bondage of either victim or manipulator.

This world is blind.. we are being told what is bad is good, manipulated and I am NOT going to participate in this manipulation. I AM going to talk about it…

FUCK YOU to those who want to manipulate me into thinking my rights are to be manipulated. For your benefit, for you to tell me what is pleasurable, that my morals should be erroded.. AND YES I DO NOT BELIEVE in religion.

FUCK YOU to my the people who are supposed to be on my side and protect me.. FUCK YOU cause I say NO!

NO! You will not be able to tell me that” YOU LOVE IT BECAUSE”  …..Then that would stand to reason:

-You are “OK” with your boss telling you to work late. It is “OK” to go home and neglect your kids because you are sooo tired. It is “OK”  because he wants you to come into work and do something as stupid as washing the windows when you have a sore shoulder..hmmm YUP.. oh enjoyable.. feeeeels ever so good to let down the 2 people who depend you.. and you actually LOVE them.. and you are thinking you are doing your best for them by making more money..

-cause ain’t it all about money? hello?

-you should come into work longer and do more things that hurt your body (it is an exchange of money) because he gave you a raise for the work you did on the weekend…oh yeah feels good.. you got rewarded for something painful, you are still feeling the ache of it the next day but it is in your heart..

-one night to not leave work & leave your kids at home by themselves to run outside, and play hide and seek in the dark  at 4 and 8 years old..for 2 days straight…

-you should stay over and punch doors and say “tasty” things to her daughters (who are 4 and 8)

-you make it so one of the daughters run away and leave and never come back

-to convince her to take drugs that killed you in her bed and she lost her mind?

-you make it ok for years later that that daughter who was 8.. to tell the 4 year old. that this was ok because it feels good now..

- I say to all this… FUCK YOU… I will let go of the pain because it isn’t worth it. FUCK YOU! NO I will not be a victim OR a manipulator. I will say FUCK YOU I ain’t going to be manipulated and GIVE MONEY to a big machine who is manipulating me trying to induce more moral eroding.

We already HAVE so much pain in the world DO I NEED TO INFLICT “this kind of pleasure”?

All to be released on a day that is supposed to be about love.

Am I supposed to LOVE the boss who raped and manipulated my mom of time from caring about her kids?

Am I supposed to LOVE the man who pushed my sister away for his violent behavior?

Am I supposed to LOVE the stranger who raped me at 8 behind a dumpster and held a knife to my throat?

Am I supposed to LOVE the neighbor who.. made me pose like those girls in the magazines and I was only 4?.

Am I supposed to LOVE the man who looks are porn on the computer and think for me to only be loved or the only way I am needed is this way? I SAY FUCK YOU NO!

you are ok with being hurt.. and you like it.
I do not want to participate in this ugly circle.

Instead on valentines day from this day forward..
I want to inflict “THE pleasure”… The pleasure in knowing.

I will try everyday to help someone by either


-gently touching them

-looking for ways to make better decisions that just don’t effect me… but the entire line…(like flowers picked by women who are poor and forced to leave their children ) BUT INSTEAD what I will ask from my husband or boyfriend is instead to donate that money to KIVA

-looking down the hole and finding the pain and saying it out loud that it will not be allowed it to continue to  hurt me… and the only way to work through IS CHOOSING to NOT hurt others..?


-This was all noise to confuse the word.. and it still remains as NO!.

I am only going to say thank you once to:

The book that I write about my own life an NOT be the kind of person that gets written about..


HITLER!  we ALL know that what he did was bad. .. BUT.. the people who went and did his bidding… they were also bad.. did they not have the ability to stand up and say NO as a collective? WHY NOT? because they were scared to…because they WERE consenting adults and they WERE victims…. the only money they had was greed and their life they were paying with.. abuse… is abuse.. and happy endings don’t continue pain.

-I DON”T NEED To read shit like this book, I don’t NEED to watch it.

Instead I choose to search for the depth of my actions and educate myself  in ways to help. and not hurt..

I will NEVER excuse abuse. In animals, people and of the earth. I admit I am naive about what I buy and what it does to the other side of the world.. but I am ALWAYS looking: To buy locally, support people closest to me. Stand up for the rights of me and those who can’t stand up for them selves. I admit it is hard to make choices that costs more money.. but that means I have the pain of realizing that my money will go to something GOOD until it becomes something that is NOT good.. then I will search again to support something good..


sooo how about you?


I watched the final episode of How I Met Your Mother on April fools morning. I had my Sensory Deproavator 5000′s on because we don’t have cable and had to wait until the next morning when it was available online.

I totally understand what this whole season was about.

Starting with the first episode of season nine… it was painful, boring, want it over and done with, can’t stand to watch it.. every minute of the countdown was horrendous. ..


Not that the show ending was amazing.. but the realization that this whole season put you in the shoes of Ted. YOU FELT what TED would feel from his perspective.

Watching someone you love and your best friend (2n’d best friend) get married and every moment leading up to it including the hope that it will turn around for you… is painful to go through.

Every episode, every lead up, every joke was always about hope.

Hope that you will be in love some day, have the things that you want in life, that friends will prevail, that the happiest times of your life are not behind you but ahead of you.

In one hour the writers, producers, the actors and actresses, the people who make the sets, the outfits all of it is just a blur when you get that as long as you have hope you will have everything you need.

Sometimes you have to accept a new kind of happiness and that can lead you to the things you wanted all along.. but just not in the way you thought.

It can come from giving up things you hold on to. Try not to worry by opening yourself to the world.. you will be surprised by the support you are given by the asking.

Get up and dance, get on with it.. and allow yourself to think of a new way, a new path and allow the future to unfold in front of you.

Sometimes you just have to take off the Sensory Depr0vator 5000 and see the world in the way you make it.




I have been struggling for a long time and realized it is because of my own doing.
Feeling hostage in my own rut.. I didn’t know what to do.

Until Celine. She told me… a change is as simple as a little bit more.

It isn’t about changing and feeling bad.. it is the challenge of a little more.

That little more, like.. not thinking of being able to do something.

It stems from seeing a tiny little goal that you can achieve but don’t believe you can.
Sometimes you have to say “fuck It” and at the very LEAST.. you try it.

I was thinking what is it that I a missing that I used to know how to do… Run

Run to a dream, run to be excited about life, run because it makes you glow, run because you can, run because you know how it feels when you give it a shot, run because it is about that little feeling, run because you can close your eyes, trust yourself and be able to run with the colors of the sun flickering past your eyes and the feel of the wind on your arms, hear the crunch of the leaves below your feet and that feeling that your brain is just along for the ride ON this amazing body machine you own… it is yours, the only one you got…
that feeling.. my gift.. IS ME!

I want to run again and she told me how. Just to the picnic table.. just think.. picnic table. It isnt’ far.. but it is a small commitment to try and know that once day.., you will run again because.. you tried. Even if it is different that what you remember.. It is about the new experience of every day, trying a little harder, trying something new to see if it works, discovering new feelings inside your self or even revisiting experienced ones.

Having an hour OF yourself.. Getting to know your weakness and figuring out how to make them your strength, the joy of being IN yourself for an hour, worshiping the world by being IN Joy.

I know what exercise does.. but I forgot how it FEELS. I have felt those euphoric  joys of living inside the thing I should value the most. The body I have been given.

The body that will forgive me for the things I said about it, how it responds to time, the feelings of not being perfect, comparing it to others, not watering it, not being in the sun or how it works with others. There is no other time left..

THERE is not a time to neglect the body any longer. It is YOUR valuable asset. DO YOU REALIZE?. HEY! THIS IS THE ONLY BODY YOU WILL HAVE! NO RETURN POLICY, NO EXCHANGES, NO COMPLAINTS, NO ADJUSTMENTS, NO REFUNDS! .. or whatever else you try to swindle on the purchase.

So the little thought I have to think of is” push away the things” like.. push away the sugar to the picnic table, and just run to the picnic table.. it is the same picnic table, but this time… The picnic is gonna be the difference.. not the sweetness of heaviness but the joy in the lightness.  Same picnic table. What is it that will draw you from the chest and drag you to the encompassing happiness that is. Joy, understanding your limiting beliefs, figuring out the feeling of the goal, what each month you want to experience or at least to try it… I wish you Joy. 2013


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When you think of all the luggage, baggage, purses, clutches, wallets, coin holders.
All of those things contain your time.

Time it took for you to earn the money to buy it, the time it takes for you to pack it, the time it takes for you to drag or carry it. All the time in the world doesn’t pay for happiness.

If you had a bank clock on your arm that told you how much time(money) you had and it ran consistanly how you spent it. What would you spend your time(money) on? 4 minutes of your life on a cup of coffee? or 1 month of your life cost the a hotel room?

Would you be spending your time on those things? If you had 24 hours to spend on YOUR life what would that be? Running because that is all you had? Would you run to the next thing to get it all in? Would you give someone you loved a hug?

Before you spend more time(money) on something like a chair or a magazine.. would you give up 1 hour of your life out of 24 hours for that magazine?

Your time really is money. Sometimes people would rather hold on to the things that they paid for with their time, don’t let anyone else enjoy it because they feel like they are being taken advantage of.

Sometime the joy of having things makes you slow down.. but those who have “everything” that they want may not have the one thing that they crave. The excitement of living everyday like it is your last. Yes being on the other side of the table where you get served as opposed to serving can be  lonely place.

Things don’t fill the holes in what you miss in your life.. it is the people who have the luggage, wallets, coin purses, and clutches that just need help with their time.
Your time if spent wisely is in the way of looking at each person as a solution to their  problem  they have. Sometimes it really boils down to giving your time.. but also making sure your time is ALSO being spent wisely. Not just waisting it.

If you had a million years to spend on things.. would you be spend it on what you have now? How about 1 week? The temptation of a bounty of time? What would your dream time look like? Is it what it is now?

So my question for you is… How about some time RIGHT NOW.. sit down, stop, write down all of your luggage, baggage, tickle trunk, semi, what ever things that you are carrying around that you have chosen to buy and spend your time one.. is it what you want now?

No? My guess is not. Because of what ever reason is stopping you. The only thing is a quick fix isn’t as satisfying as consistent simple small achievable goals that snowball into an avalanche.. it just takes one step.. toward the time that you want.

So. I have given you 24 hours to think about how you are going to spend your (time for money).
Report below what you have been given in the last 24 hours.. and what the next 24 hours are going to bring.. not what you should expect them to be (bad or good) but of what you are going to make them exciting, fulfilled, happy, to surprise someone… including YOU!

ps. the spider photo is a representation of things that sometimes scare you.. but if you look at your fear with fascination.. it changes your perspective of what you fear..